I have Depression

Yes I do.

I already thought few ways to kill myself :

1. Cut my arm with razor

2. Drink lots of sleep pills, or lethal dose of my own medicine

3. Throwing my body in the road

4. Drink poisonous liquids.

Back then, I have a thought of amnesia. I really want to loose my mind especially about my family. I really love them till it hurts me. It feels like something about this love hurts my heart. But not also this love, there is this past of mine keeps on haunting me.

Let's go back to like, 12 years ago. Since I was in elementary school, I had this ambition to enter a specific high school. This school was quite famous because of their achievements in academics and non academics like art or (kerohanian). Until now I have no idea how come I could get this kind of thought when I was just a little kid. I started to study hard and fell in love with mathematics (well, I wasn't really good in math until when I was in 4th grade, I got punishment for not being able to give a solution or even a right answer of 1 simple question -_-). It was going well until 2012 where I joined the test to enter this high school that I wanted. I didn't pass the test. Was I doing fine after that? People around thought so, just like me.

Well, I just thought of it now, that there must be another things that made me fell into depression. It couldn't be just it. But I haven't been able to figure it out.

I was starting to realize about this problem, this mental health of mine, when I was at the end of the 1st year of my clerkship. There were so many problems, simple actually, but I kept it with me, I didn't tell anyone, and it came out as a boomerang for me. I got hypersomnia, I cried like every single night for last 1 year, I had no spirit of living my life but I had to live it. The last department of my 1st year was Psychiatric Department, and it brought me into having routine medication and drink pills of antidepressants.

There were times when I really almost, or even did those things I mentioned first. I once drank hand sanitizer, which was so stupid. Right after that, I felt so much pain in my stomach. It was very hot in my mouth, as well. Since that day, I feeel traumatic everytime I smell it. Once, I almost drank lot of pills, but it was ruined (Alhamdulillah) by my friends. Those moments when I just felt so tired with my pain, my mind, my life, unfortunately brought me into a very unforgivable decision.

Makassheart - Saturday, April 18th 2020

Nowhere Like Home

🖤 muugy 🖤

Ps: this writing was here since like a long time ago, but I just got time and strength to finish it, finally -__- and, I wish you a happy life, 이다 :)

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